Snail Olympics (Snailympics) May be Coming to Salt Lake

Satire Edition


Mason Longhurst, Staff Writer

WARNING. The following article contains humor. Some humor may be too weak for some reader’s taste. Symptoms of humor include laughing, weezing, snorting, shortness of breath, and uncontrollable slapping of the ground. In case of excess humor, please fill your mind with thoughts of Charlotte’s Web or Big Red.


One of the oldest and most beloved forms of entertainment may be coming to Salt Lake City in 2023. These are, of course, the Snail Olympics. The Snail Olympic Games were first held in 1448, and have occurred every 4 years since. Sadly, just like the Summer Olympics, the Snail Olympics were postponed due to the coronavirus. Snail fans from around the globe were hopeful that the Olympics would be back at the same time as the Summer Olympics, but it was not to be. In an even further tragedy, extreme flooding and earthquakes destroyed the prepared Snail Olympic Stadium in The Lost City of Atlantis. Now, a break in the clouds. The Snail Olympics may be coming to Salt Lake City in 2023..

Snail Olympics chairwoman Shelly McSlow announced Tuesday that the Snail Olympics would take place between June 20 and June 30, 2023. Ms. McSlow also announced that the Snail Directional Council had narrowed the possible locations to three cities.  Ms. McSlow stated “Due to sudden and wholly unexpected natural disasters that have recently ‘damaged’ Atlantis, the SDC has had to reassess locations for our upcoming events. We are just now deciding on the final three.” Ms. McSlow went on to explain that the three remaining cities were Y, Alaska, Salt Lake City, Utah, and Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuaki, New Zealand. All of these places were chosen for their pleasant climate and sizable populations. 

To most snail fans out there, this news was originally stressful. Ameteur Snailer Tyler Willardson stated, “To me, this delay of two years is a waste of time. The Summer Olympics are coming back this year, so why can’t the snails?” Snail trainer Benson Lee added that “This setback of two years is going to impact the snail’s chances severely. In fact, I had to tell one, no, most of my snails today that they would be, well, dead before the Snail Olympics would return.” Mr. Lee brings up a point that has been echoed across the globe by other snail training facilities. Ms. McSlow, however, has explained why the Council has decided to delay two years. “Due to dropping viewership, the Snail Olympics has continued to downsize since our debut. This year, the Council and I decided that we needed to remedy this. We have agreed to delay the Snail Olympics until 2023 in order to avoid both the Winter and Summer Olympics. We believe that this will increase our viewership by an astounding .02 percent!” 

These are issues that have been plaguing the Snailympics for years. Since its introduction, the Snail Olympics has faced funding and viewership challenges. And then, in 1947, the SDC cut the widely-loved event of snail-wrestling due to “extremely long event times”.This was a response to the infamous bout between Ringo Slimeson (USA) and Shellmut Slowborgensen (Sweden), which lasted an astounding seven days, two hours, thirty-four minutes, and thirty-eight seconds. This cutback was the first in a line of devastating blows taken heroically by the snail community. Today, there are only five events that are played each year. These are the four-meter dash, the floatie-float, the tuck-and-roll race, the tomato-eating contest, and the much-beloved matchstick-fencing matches. Devoted snail fans can only hope that this delay might boost the Snailympics back to its original glory. “One can only hope,” says (trainer). “It would be great if this whole thing would attract more viewers. I’ve always wanted to train snails for the snail long-jump or the synchronized swimming event. One can only hope”. So, to all the snailers of Utah, good luck! 

Ann Tenna, one of Lee’s favorite students, was one of the favorites for this Snail Olympics’ four-meter dash. Tenna put up an astounding fifteen minutes and forty-eight seconds.

Shown here is I. B. Crushed, another of Lee’s students, practicing the plank-over-crevice. Crushed would have competed in the floatie-float in 2020. Crushed was one of the students that would be missing out on the Snailympics due to death.