SATIRE: How to Excel at School Without Studying



Christian Uhl, Staff Writer

Attention Patriots! Are you tired of hitting the books day and night just to scrape by in school? Are you sick of watching your classmates study diligently while you struggle to keep up? Well with this ultimate guide, you can wow your peers using your impressive knowledge and never even worry about what your grades look like!

Pre-guide preparation: forget everything you’ve heard about hard work and dedication. Those are just buzzwords used to make you unnecessarily prepare for something useless. Junior Ashton Brown says, “This guide has been a huge aid in helping me point my life towards the things that matter, like video games, naps, and airsoft.” With this guide, you can take your time back!

First, develop a photographic memory. This may seem like an impossible task, but it’s actually quite simple. All you have to do is stare at your textbook pages for a few hours each day until the words are imprinted on your brain. Easy, right? No studying needed!

What’s that? Had a late night watching Netflix and couldn’t soak up your textbook before a test? Use that handy-dandy phone of yours to find the answers! To make sure your teacher doesn’t know you’re using your phone, avoid typing and instead just use voice commands! They won’t suspect a thing. Credible sources include TikTok, YouTube, and the very first search result on Google. 

Pro-tip: If you have to blind-guess a multiple-choice question, choose B, C, E, or H depending on the number of answers possible. It was found in a study that these choices are the most likely to be the correct answer! A good acronym to remember is “Better Choose Entertainment Hourly.”

Finally, you can avoid tests altogether with a method invented by Sophomore Nathan Hendrickson called ‘Strategic Absences.’ It’s a simple idea, just find out when the next test is for a class and then make up an excuse to be absent that day. However, execution is much more difficult. Hendrickson, however, has it all figured out. “So what I do is become great close friends with each of my teachers, then I just throw it out in conversation, ‘when’s the next test huh?’ And then bang, we’re in. When it comes to strategic absences, anything goes. I’m talking about sickness, family emergencies, etc. However, I’ve found the best way to go about it is to just not get out of bed.” Using this genius method, you can avoid all tests with absolutely no repercussions!


These tips will help you achieve academic success without ever having to open a book. Good luck, and happy non-studying!