SATIRE: Test Day Calendar Revealed



Porter LeBlanc, Staff Writer

The long-rumored “all-teacher calendar” has finally been uncovered. For years, students have theorized about a calendar on which all teachers assign their tests on the same day. Sophomore Benjamin Gibson, who was only recently informed about the existence of this calendar, said he was always wondering why a large amount of “academic examinations are quite regularly scheduled for the same seven-hour period.” Why? Students have many different ideas about the motivation behind the overscheduled test days. Some say that teachers are looking out for the well-being of their students by not prolonging the stress of tests over multiple days. Junior Emma Young confesses that she believes “the government is behind it. It’s a government conspiracy.” Students like Young theorize that overscheduled test days are part of a government operation testing the capabilities of developing brains. Mr. Earnest, a teacher at American Heritage School, shed some new light on the reasoning, saying that “research shows … increased anxiety is good for every human soul.” Whether this statement is true is still widely debated, but there is no question that whatever the reason, teachers have the best interest of their students in their minds when scheduling these assessments.  


Though motivations on the subject are foggy, the location of this calendar has been discovered and revealed by many trustworthy student sources. The location is where one would guess: the teacher lounge. This location allows the calendar to be accessible to all teachers without the hassle of leaving the campus. Although practical, the location leads to security issues regarding student access, so security measures have been implemented to prevent that. Earnest shared that these measures include “lot[s] of buttons and flickering things.” While these features make student access exceedingly difficult, sophomore Brigham Banagas claims to have gotten a small glimpse of the calendar and says the next scheduled test day is “next week, on Friday.” So sharpen your pencils, study your notes, and mark March — in your planners. Another day of tests is approaching.